Written by a 136.8 lb athlete who describes herself as “Borderline Lightweight”
OK, so today I am starting this journal b/c today is when the lightweight aspect of lightweight rowing really starts. Today we had our weigh-in with one week and one day left until our official weigh-ins @ Kenecht Cup=130. Right. And today I weighed in @ 142. Right. …[the coaches] think I’m 139 which is 9 pounds over what I’m supposed to be in 8 days. But I don’t know how to tell them that it’s not that it’s not that I’ve been lazy, but rather it’s all I think about, food dominates my thoughts. It preoccupies my mind. I try to lose weight. I run all the time, I’m always exhausted, but I can’t control my eating. I’ll be really good for a while, but I can’t hold out and I binge. But no more-[the head coach] said I have to weigh in or we don’t race. So, of course they’re condoning the fact that I have 9 pounds to lose. Hey, it’s my fault, right?
Well, the weekends over, my worst time for eating. But of course I’m 141, and only 4 days to go. I guess it’s starvation mode.
Today sucked. But I think it’ll be OK. Today I found out that Kenecht Cup is 135, not 130. And I’m 139, only 4 pounds away. But I told [the coach] before I found out that I wouldn’t lose 9 pounds in a week, I didn’t want to set that example.
Well, it’s Thursday night, the night before weigh-ins. I haven’t eaten since dinner yesterday. I went for a 45-minute sweat run, and I’m 137. I need to weigh-in. I need to. After all the controversy I went through to get into the boat for this race. I’m so thirsty that I don’t care anymore about the hunger. I can’t sleep because these feelings seem to me to be tearing apart my insides. Tell me again why I do this?
So it’s Saturday night, can’t talk long…but I made weight (yeah!) after 2 sweat runs (I snuck out this morning for the 1st one-I don’t want to alarm my boat). That’s another thing. I hate the looks I get from people….like they know that I’ve been rowing lightweight for 7 years now and I just don’t know anything else. Like they know what it is like to be completely obsessed with food. Right…
So it’s Sunday night. I love how I always promise that I’ll be good. I won’t binge after weigh-ins, but I invariably always do. I wish I could control my eating. So here goes a week of non-eating…
Not much to say about this week. Haven’t eaten more than 500 calories in one day. I am running on nothing. It’s my first time weighing in at 130, and I hope to God I make it. I promised [my coach] I would, that it’d be no problem, because I’m afraid that if she knew what I really went through I wouldn’t be allowed to row lightweight. And then what? But how can she not know? I’m wearing size 2 clothes I haven’t worn since H.S. And I’m still 132 in the am after running, on a scale that is 2 pounds light. I really hate this.
So I didn’t make weight today. You know, I’ve never done that. I’ve never gotten on that scale come race day and not made it. I guess there’s got to be a first for everything, right? And I know why, too. I had another first-I binged the night before a race. I couldn’t control myself. I’ve never gotten that close to giving it all up. But…all the great food was there, and I couldn’t control it. So I did it and I weighed 138. I did situps, about 300. I tried to go to bed at 12:30, but I was so worked up and nervous that I couldn’t. so @ 1:30am, as drunk people were walking home from the bars, I went for a 6 mile sweat run. I was 134 when I got back. Then, I got up @ 4:00 am and went for an 11 mile sweat run. The more horrible/ grueling experience of my life…wasn’t even @ weight [afterwards]. Went to the race where [the coach] weighed us in. I was 132.2. I had the worst feeling. I became nauseous. Luckily, no one from [the other team] weighed in so nothing came of it. Only [my coach’s] disappointment.
Today, after not eating at all since the race, nor drinking at all, and sweat running, I weighed in @ 131.7 @ the honorary weigh-ins by [the coach] before we raced. Only .4 less than yesterday, after all that pain. What am I going to do for next week?
OK, so it has been a week since I’ve written. I’m sorry. I just can’t deal with it anymore. Last week killed me, it really did. Of course I binged last Sunday night. So all this week, I ate nothing. I biked 52 miles and ran 45. I stopped eating Wednesday night, drank 1 cup of coffee Thursday morning, to weigh in at 127.9 on Friday. People kept telling me how gross I looked. My roommates hated it. After weigh-ins, I ate a good dinner, but ate nothing but s*** Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I couldn’t stop myself. And I kept saying since we didn’t have weigh-ins the next weekend, that I’d deal with it later. But that’s what kills me. How the hell am I going to do this for 2 more months?
Today sucked! Found out that…we have to weigh-in Saturday @ 130 or no seat race and then we have to erg test! So I called [the coach] and told her I wasn’t going to weigh-in, I was forfeiting my right to a seat race. I told her what I’ve been going through in a plea for her to tell me not to row lightweight. But of course she said it’s my decision. How can she expect me to say I won’t do it? I have too many pressures. I’m not that strong.
[The coach] came up, said even though she knows it’s the wrong decision, she needs me to row lightweight. Right.
Monday morning, of course I’m 138. 130 by Saturday. Yeah…..Don’t know what else to say. Same ole s*** every Monday. Binge all weekend, starve all week.
So today is my last journal entry because today ends my time as a lightweight. All done. After 7 years, time to give up.
So I lied. This is my last entry. But now it’s really all over. Done. Last weigh-in, more painful than ever. Really, for the first time, it made me truly, deeply glad that I’m done. I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. Now I have to decide for next year-what am I going to do?????